Authors, Discover the Heart of the Matter One Layer at a Time: Peeling the Onion
6 of 28 big ideas from the world of coaching to grow your author business
The sixth in a 28-part series on 28 big ideas from coaching for authors to coach themselves, adapted from my book, The Coach Within.
“A grownup is a child with layers on.”
— Woody Harrelson
“If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you’ll be living in a world with less fear, isolation, and loneliness.”
— Sharon Salzberg
A nice way to follow up the lesson of high-impact, open-ended questions is the concept of peeling the onion. With this coaching staple, a coach takes the conversation with a client deeper, one layer at a time, based on the answer to the last powerful question. A coach doesn’t anticipate, guess, or guide the direction of the interaction. She asks the next question in the moment in direct response to your last reply. And continues doing so until there’s a shift (that’s the next lesson).
For all coaching purposes, the lesson is to engage with the most salient information of the moment. You don’t have to know where the thread, your thinking, someone else’s emotions — anything — is going in advance, and you don’t have to circle back to, remember, or keep track of any points the client (you) were hung up on ten minutes ago or more.
On the one hand, peeling the onion is a fantastic technique for getting to the heart of the matter, for digging down until one reaches the critical thing or an aha of some sort. What I also love about it is that it’s another demonstration of a recurring theme in coaching: starting where you are and going from there. That is always real and always enough. But that is also a different lesson for later in this series.
Let’s look at how peeling the onion in a conversation with oneself can play out with effective results in different ways, simply by asking one relevant question at a time, and proceeding from there.
Consider something from your author life that’s been weighing heavily on you but you’ve been having trouble sorting out. Your experience of this thing may be so clouded by fear, avoidance, overload, sadness, or anger that you can’t make a decision, think it through properly, or find peace.
You need a coaching session with yourself!
Example (shortened and simplified for demonstration):
Oh no! Snow is forecasted for the night of my big book launch party.
Snow is forecasted for the night of your big book launch party. You sound a bit panicked. [Sometimes you can just start with a basic validation of the facts, the naming of the thing.]
Yes, I’m so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.
What is it that you think you should be doing? [Peel back a layer by inquiring about the “doing.” Use a what question and not a why question.]
I don’t even know where to begin or how to think about it, that’s why I’m so overwhelmed!
How will you know what to do? [Go yet deeper by exploring, getting beyond the not knowing with a how inquiry.]
I don’t really know what I can do to make sure the event goes off as easily as possible.
Ah, so the overwhelm and not knowing might be connected to not knowing how you can ensure the best outcome for your party? What’s the best way to find out? [Each new question directly responds to the latest information that presents itself.]
Wow, I just realized that I can review my checklist and see if or how the weather will affect all the pieces of the event I have planned: catering, bar, music, book table, guests. I guess I’ll check in with the vendors and poll my guests through Evite to see if anyone else thinks the snow will change their plans.
[At this point, an “aha” has been hit and you can shift your focus to an action step. OK, Self, when will I start making those calls to vendors and check in with the party guests?]
If you’ve peeled the onion with yourself and reached a point where you’ve noticed something important and can act on it, that’s terrific. And sufficient for now. It might not address everything related to your concern but you’ve made progress. If there’s still more, let that come up on its own in another session.
Let’s look at this same scenario again, with different layers to be peeled back:
Oh no! Snow is forecasted for the night of my big book launch party.
There, you said it. You’ve been avoiding it because it makes you angry but it’s not going to change. [Sitting a moment with the acknowledgment can lead to a next reveal.]
Damn, I don’t want to reschedule.
It sounds like you think rescheduling is your only next move here. What makes you so sure? [“Rescheduling” was the first thing that came up, so coach yourself from there.]
Well, I’m putting out a lot of money for a big party — especially for the catering, bar, and music — which means I need maximum attendance to get the sales and exposure I’m hoping for what I’m investing in the event. I’m pretty sure the snow will affect turnout. [The tone is now less about the apprehension and more about logistics, so pursue that with your next examination.]
So, your concern is about the return on your investment. How does that change with rescheduling?
I actually don’t know if rescheduling will guarantee a better ROI. There are things I need to think about to make a good decision here. I’ll need to find out if rescheduling with the vendors is even possible or if there are new costs associated with that. I’ll need to see just how much snow is expected. Maybe I can check with a couple event planners I know and see what their experiences have been with how much snow affects turnout at things like this.
When you’re using peeling the onion on yourself, if you’ve struck on an awareness that brings clarity or a task that gives you movement, recognize the breakthrough. You got there not by overturning every detail obsessively, but by focusing on the most pertinent thing one layer at a time. You will start noticing when you’ve gone off on a tangent or have pursued the wrong path. It’s all good info. When you realize it, use another appropriate question to get back on track and uncover something useful.
Coaching Yourself in Action
⎕ Practice: In your conversations with others today, listen for the most germane point in the most recent thing said and pursue that thing only with a follow-up question. What does this do for the depth and significance of your exchange? What might this approach add to your author business over time? Note what it’s like to hit the mark with your follow-up versus when you miss it.
⎕ Silence/Writing/Walking: If you have one of those murky, uncomfortable things bearing down on you or shrouding your judgment, also spend time today in one of your preferred modes, stripping down to the insight you need one applicable question at a time. Take as much time as you need, as many questions as it takes. Sit with each round of answers, feel them, breathe into them, and ask yourself…what’s next here??
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